Trust Isn’t a Feeling…And Why That’s Good News

How to spot it, talk about it, and actually improve it.

Trust usually stays invisible until it cracks.

We talk about it like a feeling: “I just trust her,” “we go way back.” But when trust starts to slip, instinct and history don’t tell us what to do next.

You won’t see “trust” on a balance sheet, but you feel it in every meeting, project, and decision. It’s the current that either carries teams forward or grinds them to a halt.

For something so central to getting work done, most of us still don’t know how to define trust, name what’s wrong, or repair it when it breaks.

Four Dimension of Trust

In The Thin Book of Trust, Charles Feltman breaks trust into four parts: competence, care, sincerity, and reliability. We trust someone when their past behavior gives us confidence about what they’ll do next in these four areas.

• Competence – You know what you’re doing. You stay self-aware and invite feedback.

• Care – You consider other people’s interests and constraints, not just your own.

• Sincerity – Your words and actions match. People don’t have to guess your real position.

• Reliability – You keep your commitments often enough that people can plan around you.

This turns trust from a vague feeling into something you can see and act on. When trust grows, behaviors in these four areas change.

That’s good news. If trust is built on behavior — and behavior can change — then trust isn’t irreparable. You can rebuild it and keep strengthening it through small, consistent actions over time.

Stop Treating Trust as All-or-Nothing

We often treat trust like a light switch: I trust them or I don’t. That kind of language shuts people down.

No one wants to hear, “I don’t trust you.” It feels final and doesn’t show what to do differently.

A better move: shift from judging people to naming behaviors.

Instead of deciding, “They’re not trustworthy,” ask:

• What did I see or experience?

• Which trust area does it relate to — competence, care, sincerity, or reliability?

• What behavior do I need to see next time?

That’s a conversation you can actually have.

How to Talk About Concerns More Effectively

Here’s how to turn vague trust concerns into clear, future-focused feedback:

• Reliability

  • Vague: “I can’t count on him.”

  • Specific: “Please send a brief project update every Friday so we can stay aligned and avoid last-minute surprises.”

• Competence

  • Vague: “She’s out of her depth.”

  • Specific: “Before we send this feature to the client, can you run a test version with the team so we catch any errors early?”

• Sincerity

  • Vague: “He has a hidden agenda.”

  • Specific: “It felt confusing when your private guidance didn’t match what you said in the meeting. Can we keep those messages consistent so the team knows where you stand?”

• Care

  • Vague: “She doesn’t think about our workload.”

  • Specific: “Before assigning tasks, can you check in on our current priorities so we can plan the work realistically?”

Each one:

• Names the trust behavior (without using the word trust)

• Describes a specific behavior

• Makes a clear ask for the future

That’s the level where trust can actually change.

Quick Self-Check

Most people don’t intend to break trust. It usually frays when good intentions collide with blind spots.

A simple self-check:

• Competence: When I don’t know something, do I say, “Let me confirm,” or do I guess and hope it works out?

• Care: Do I factor in others’ constraints and priorities when I make requests?

• Sincerity: Do my public statements match what I say in smaller conversations afterward?

• Reliability: When I might miss a deadline, do I speak up early and propose a plan, or go quiet and hope no one notices?

Honest answers give you a concrete starting point for building stronger trust.

How Trust Gets Rebuilt

Trust doesn’t bounce back after one apology or one big gesture. It rebuilds through small, consistent, visible actions.

Think about a delivery service that has let you down. One on-time delivery doesn’t fix it. But several on-time deliveries in a row start to change your expectations. You slowly stop checking the tracking page. You start trusting the pattern again.

Relational trust works the same way.

Rebuilding trust takes patience, but it isn’t mysterious. Focus on specific behaviors, reinforce them when they show up, and name progress out loud:

“I noticed you flagged that risk early—that really helped us stay ahead of it.”

Those small acknowledgments tell people, “This matters. Keep going.”

If you’d like a thought partner for building or rebuilding trust on your team, I’m always glad to connect.